Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Emmy's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
1:23 am	Signing Off All right. I'm leaving for Livonia tomorrow morning, and when I come back here, I will be married. The wedding is on Saturday, I'm hoping the weather is good. Pretty much everything else is taken care of, just some last minute details and then relax and enjoy the best day of my life. After all the shit I've written in here, and the years of just general bullshit, I can't express how happy I am that this day is almost here. I have found a man unlike anyone else. We have our problems, but I know that no matter what happens, we will always love each other and we will make it. Mark takes care of me, loves me, makes me feel special, and is everything I've always wanted. I can't believe how incredibly lucky I am to have found him so early in life. I'm looking forward to our future, to new jobs, new homes, children, and sitting when we're old on our porch swing with warm mugs in our hands. People keep asking me if I'm nervous. I'm not. I know the man I'm marrying, I have complete faith in him and in us as a couple. I'm not worried about anything. I'm happy. So, as I have stoutly refused to update this after I am married, this will be my last entry. Don't worry, I will still be around, reading everyone else's livejournal and I'm sure leaving a few pointless comments once in a while. It feels good, after entries and entries of sadness, to end this where I should be. Content. (6 slaps | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
10:09 am	Labor Day was pretty good. Mark has three days off in a row, which like never happens. So Sunday mostly we just sat around and watched movies and cleaned the apartment and shit. Exciting life I lead. Monday was really nice though. Went down to see the parents, and took care of a few minor wedding things, but mostly we got to just sit around and talk. It was really fun. I can't remember the last time I saw my parents without having a wedding appt or some other reason I needed to be there, and without having to run right off and return to Lansing. It was really relaxing. Today the plan is to go buy the second season of Lost so Mark can finally find out what's in the hatch! yay! I also have to work, but I think I'll get out early. And Saturday I made really good money, suprisingly enough. So I don't think it will be that bad. I just really really really need to get a new job. I don't know how much longer I can let people treat me like shit for 15%. (1 slap | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
12:49 pm	I want to know at what point I will begin to feel like an adult. I'm a fully-grown, college graduate, living with my fiance to whom I will be married in 5 weeks. I do laundry, I cook dinner, I clean bathrooms, and I work as well. Why do I still feel like a little girl playing house? Wehn I was in kindergarten, I used to play house with a group of other girls. One girl, Lauren, always had to be the mother. No one else ever got a chance. And I would always fight with her to try to get to be the mommmy. I think I'm in the same position now. A little girl fighting to be the adult in the game. (1 slap | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
3:30 pm	You know, you would think, that since my job entails me working with both people and food, they would not want me to come to work when I feel like shit. But no, I can't find anyone else to work for me, so even though it feels like I might cough up an organ, sneeze on everyone's food, and can barely breathe, off I go to work...a closing shift no less. (2 slaps | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Friday, August 4th, 2006
1:29 pm	I finally have the internet back so I can return to pathetically updating my livejournal. I have decided that I only have about two more months of this left as I refuse to continue to update after I'm married. Though I'm sure I will continue to read everyone else's updates. Mark and I moved into our own place. It's really nice and I love it. It's nice to have somewhere just to put our shit and not have to worry about everyone else's. We also bought amazing bookcases from IKEA and I am determined to buy much more from that store. I'm still waitressing but only until the wedding. Then I'm going to look for an adult job with a salary so that I will have a steady dependable income. The wedding is now less than two months away. I feel like there is still a million things to do but I don't know what they are so I'm not doing anything productive. I'm doing this instead. I can't believe I'm getting married in two months. That's ridiculous. All right, time to go sign up for netflix. Yay! (4 slaps | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
11:09 am	Upon falling through a window this weekend and then speding from 11pm saturday night until 5am Sunday morning at the ER in Sparrow, I have learned that ER visits suck and that I plan on avoiding them as much as possible for the rest of my life. (1 slap | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
10:31 am	Things are looking up The wedding plans are really starting to roll. Things are creeping up on me faster and faster and I'm not sure where the past year has gone. It's crazy. On the plus side, I seem to have gained a good portion of my sanity back. Things have been much better, almost perfect. But things are never perfect for anyone so I really have nothing to complain about. My fiance is wonderful. I love you (abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
11:49 am	So the first time in forever that I'm actually going to go to my Anthro class...it's canceled. That doesn't help to motivate me very much. (1 slap | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
1:07 am	I'm supposed to be sleeping...but I can't...for more than one reason. I think I have too many things going on in my head. I bought a fucking dr. Phil book today. I felt pathetic in the self-help aisle, but at least I wasn't buying "How to Win Friends and Influence People" or something that ridiculous. If only I could afford a therapist...I wouldn't have to go through this public humiliation. I couldn't look the sales girl in the face. Oh well. At least I'm trying to be productive. I need this vacation. I need Arizona. A place where I feel like I can at least breathe. At least, if I remember correctly. I'm tried of drowning in cement and mortar block. Time for some cacti and a western sky. There are times here when the sky looks almost western...I guess you could call it midwestern....but it just teases me. Just reminds me that I'm not there, that I can't breathe, and that I'm so tired of my life right now. I need a week off just to breathe. Although I have a feeling I will miss the smoke. It's all my fault. I am responsible for my current life situation. I have control over the way I act and react. But what do I do with the pain? What do I do when I'm hurting so much I can hardly stand up under the weight of my heart? I have no control over what is causing me pain, and I don't see the end of this pain coming any time soon, if ever. Why are we so incompatable in this way? Why is it that this fact hurts me more than I've ever been hurt in my life? This span of three weeks must be quite a relief for you. Dr. Phil can talk all he wants about my control over the situation but this is something I have no control over. I can rationalize and no that it has no real reflection on me...but that doesn't stop it from hurting. It doesn't stop me from crying silently in your arms while you don't even notice anymore. This is probably because it is now an every night occurrence. And you're so tired....always so tired. At least that is always your chosen excuse. It's easier that way. It's not any easier for me. I know you say you're working on it, that you're being productive in your own way, but, per usual, I don't believe you. I don't believe you becaues you don't tell me anything about it. Because you don't tell me much about anything anymore. "How long has it been since I was able to curl up in my mother's lap and know that I didn't have to be afraid?" (2 slaps | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Sunday, February 19th, 2006
2:43 pm	I'm frustrated and tired of hurting. I'm tired of not feeling pretty enough, good enough, or "interesting" enough. I'm tired of not being told the whole truth and I'm tired of being unable to trust you. I'm tired of disappointment and "real" life. There seems to be no answer and certainly no quick fix. Even the day before you leave for two weeks has to be filled with fighting and misery. I have no expectations anymore. (5 slaps | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
2:38 pm	p.s. Amy is a much better friend than I deserve and I wish her all the love in the world. (1 slap | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
2:35 pm	I fucking hate Valentines Day. It's the one day a year that is engineered to make you feel shitty about your love life not matter what status it has at the moment. I saw a boy on the bus on the way home with a Zales bag, a teddy bear, and a long stemmed rose. I wanted to buy him a fucking medal. And he looked so damn excited. On the other hand, we're having bad days, we're phone fighting, and I hung up because this is the one god damn day a year when you're supposed to act like you love me and you can't even pull that off anymore. Running away to Dublin is looking better and better.... (abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
2:57 pm	Well I quit my TA position. It was just too much. I was way way way too busy. In other news, I'm really fucking sick of mid-Michigan. I want to get the fuck out of here. I keep looking for reasons to travel and places to go. But I can't afford it, and I certainly don't have time I suppose. I just feel like I might suffocate if I don't get out of this city resonably soon. I guess I have spring break to look forward to, I just wish I had somewhere cooler to go. (abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Friday, December 30th, 2005
1:03 pm	I change plans so quickly.... I think I don't want to grad school any more. At least not in a year. I'm really done with school right now and it would be nice to just get a real job and work at that for a while and bring in some money with holidays and weekends off. Also, as much as I love American Indians, I'm not sure I want to go into American Indian Studies and do that for the rest of my life. I'm not sure there's a huge job market for something so specific and I would really like to be able to get a job with my degree. And, if I'm being honest, as an English major, I really don't like their literature so much. And I'm not sure I want to teach that for the rest of my life. I do want to go back and get at least a masters degree at some point. I just don't think that point is now. Or even in a year. And I'm not sure I'm ready to move so far away. I can't tell if I'm just being lazy because I don't want to write my grad school research admission paper. It's possible. But if I'm really willing to be that lazy...it's probably not something I want anyway, right? My only concern, which is suprisingly juvenile of me, is that if I don't move away from this state quickly, my mother will spend the rest of my life controlling me in one way or another. It really upsets me that my mother will never know who I really am because I'm not the person she wants me to be. So I give her a half-assed idea of being what she pictured for me and live my secret real life out in lansing. I hate that. I wish I could just be honest with her, but that is the worst possible plan. I just know that I have all these things I want to do that I don't know if I can do with her within a hundred mile radius of me. "no songs with bad words at your reception" jesus christ mom....it's my fucking wedding and that gives me like a two song play list. Argh....I guess I have to find a real job now? That's slightly frightening too. I hate graduating...but Ilove it. (abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
8:24 am	Congrats to me! I fucking passed Latin~ I get to graduate (7 slaps | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Friday, December 16th, 2005
1:28 pm	finals are over and i feel slightly relieved. I don't think I'll actually exhale until i see that ive pass latin however. Apparently my whole future depends on this fucking class. Party tonight - my house. Apparently there will be keg. I haven't been around much to hear about this party. I don't really know what is going on with it. But if you're around town and you know me, feel free to come to 1320 Jerome st. Off of mich ave by Sparrow. Park behind a flower shop or mike rogers's office. This is information i've gleaned from my roommates livejournals. I've also heard a rumor about a beer pong table. Sadly, I do not even know how to play beer pong. Anyway, you're invited. COME! I get off work tonight between ten and eleven. HOpefully closer to ten. I like not having sidework on weekends. I get to go to Theio's. I will consider it my 'i have survived' luncheon. I want my grade back now. Immediately. I was tempted to hang around and ask him to grade it now so that I would just know. Then I thought, I'm not ready to know yet. Give me at least the weekend to calm down. Things to do over break *finish shopping *christmas *work *lengthen paper *write fifteen page research paper. okay so not much of a break now is it? (3 slaps | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
1:24 am	I am literally unhappy with everything in my life right now. I've had feelings and thoughts I haven't had in years and didn't want to have ever again Most days I just want to quit (4 slaps | abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
9:30 pm	I remember it differently than everyone else. I remember only a week of new friends and pubs and adventures. Then I remember a time when I was cold, and wet, and not able to make it up a flight of stairs without stopping for breath and balance. Some of my most vivid memories involve falling into walls because I was dizzy when I stood up. I remember constantly making excuses, always leaving the room so no one else would see my tears, frigid phone calls, trying to feel something, anything, and only feeling desperately alone. Because most of the time I was. Most of the time I went through my own private hell because people didn't know what to do or say and on my part, I didn't want to ruin the fun I was so jealous of. I hold no bitterness for these wonderful people, they did the best they knew how and I couldn't have asked for anything more from them. But while they went dancing and drinking, I watched shows about doctors, and while they played euchre, I tried to stay warm, and while they ate birthday cakes, I counted how many sips of water I was allowed to take, and while they rode bikes and rediscovered childhood, I sat in a cart and became three times my age. Watching these amazing people come into their own was a miracle to me. I could never be like that, I would always be like this, I would forever be alone, sick, and freezing. I remember also being told that I could go. I remember making an excuse that there were only two weeks left anyway. I remember wanting more than anything to be home but I also remember knowing that I couldn't go yet. Maybe it was stubborness but I had to prove to myself that I could make it. I had to walk off that plane, claim my suitcase, walk out those doors, two weeks from then, not then, even if I had to crawl or be wheeled out. I remember a lot of things and a lot of stories that I wasn't there for. I recall things I only heard repeated from other people. I have taken credit for being places I wasn't because I haven't wanted to admit that I was too sick to go out that night. My last memories are of a bus and a plane trip that I thought would never end. I remember horrible airline food that I ate with more enjoyment than I had felt for anything in three months. I remember the smile on my best friends face. I remember trying to avoid her face because I was ashamed of...everything I suppose. I remember running first not into my love's arms but into my mother's because right then I needed her more than oxygen. And most of all, I remember not being greeted with smiles but with looks of concern or even disdain. I have put away my photo album and not seen it in probably a year. I have maybe three photos in my room of this place in which I spent three months of my life. I try to avoid the akwardness of looking at these or any photos with the people who were there with me. I know that they know that this wasn't my Ireland. The stories and love that they feel is different than what I remember. I listen with interest but try to change the topic as soon as possible. This is the remnants of my jealousy. No longer does it come out in bitter brutal honesty. No longer does it leave me through early nights in bed. It now escapes me through avoidance. They all want to return. They all want to relive this time in their lives when they were free and happy. I too want to return. Not to the time but to the place. I believe I have to. I have to prove tothat land that I'm okay. That I made it through and that I'm stronger now. I want to stand on the top of Blarney Castle and scream "Thank you for making me stronger" This is all I have to thank Ireland for. While everyone else found ecstasy, I found a battle. But there was something different about my sickness in Ireland than at home. There was this voice, a very melodic, twinkling, Irish voice that said "you can do this, you can make it" even while the rest of me said just give up. For me, that voice was the land itself. And that voice gave me the strength to last those two weeks and walk through those doors unaided. For that I will always be grateful. So I need to return to the land I never lived in to prove it right, and to thank it. This is my Ireland. These are my memories. And most of the time, I wish I had yours. (abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Monday, November 28th, 2005
5:31 pm	I give up (abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)
Saturday, November 26th, 2005
3:25 pm	Last night was slow. It sucked. I only made just over 60 and that really sucks for a friday. But mark came up to see me so that was exciting. hmm what else is new? I hate snow. With a passion Rent sucked. my diet is going decently i believe. although i need to add exercise or i think it's pointless. i have to go christmas shopping but i am sans funds. the marquis de sade is dirty...yes very dirty indeed although i still enjoy reading him i need to start getting my shit together. I'm going in march to tour a school that i may attend if i can just actually get my application together. I'm learning that everything in life is possible of disappointing me. This is life, not a movie. (abuse.me.more.I.like.it.)